Back In The Blood Saddle
by Kamikatty
Summary: After Edgar Ross brings the U.S. Army to John's home to eliminate his whole family, John and Jack survive. They end up at the MacFarlane's but Jack has disappeared without a trace while Bonnie's feelings for John soon come to the surface. John has to find his son, find a way to take down Edgar Ross and discover if he will ever be ready to love again.


_John hunched down and put his fingers to Abigail's neck. No pulse. Confirmation of what her wide unblinking eyes staring up at him had already told him._

_'She gonna be alright, ain't she Pa?' Jack asked, crouched down beside him. John could hear the beseeching tone in his son's voice, willing him to say the words that would make everything right. He couldn't bear to look at him as he told him the devastating truth. 'She's dead, son.'_

_At that, Jack wailed out a cry that was so fierce in it's grief, John felt the sounds enter his body and tighten themselves around his heart. He put a strong hand on Jack's shoulder letting him know he wasn't alone in his pain. Still looking down upon his wife's face he felt a single tear roll down his cheek before it fell and splashed onto Abigail's mouth, an attempt it seemed, on his body's behalf, to transfer some of his life into her. John scoffed at the thought. Not if he had lived his life ten times over would there be enough life within him to equal the worth of Abigail's._

_'Pa!' Jack cried, suddenly tugging on his arm, drawing his attention down the hill towards their house. Approaching them on horseback in the distance were at least 20 more men. John wanted to charge towards them and stab each one through the heart for what they had done to his family but that would mean his certain death and his son's too. He had to get Jack out of here._

_John lowered his head to Abigail's and whispered 'I love you, darlin' in her ear, kissing her on the forehead as he closed her eyes._

_'Come on!' he shouted to Jack as he leaped to his feet, 'We have to get out of here.' He jumped onto his horse dragging Jack up by his shirt collar after him, grateful in that moment that the teenager was still relatively light._

_'Hold on,' John called back to him as he gave his horse a kick to get him going._

_'What are you doing?,' Jack screamed to him, 'We can't just leave her there. We need to take her with us!'_

_'There's no time.' John replied as a shot rang out barely missing them, emphasizing his point._

_'If you still got that pistol on you, you best start shootin', son. Don't worry 'bout aiming, just shoot in their direction.'_

_Jack did as he was asked, shooting sporadically at the band of men chasing after them as John kicked the horse more furiously in an attempt to create more distance between them and the men. And that's just what he did but not enough to prevent a bullet piercing his shoulder and another hitting his lower back, the force of them causing him to slump over the horse, clinging on to it's mane with the only arm he had any power left in._

_He could feel himself losing consciousness while desperately trying to call out his son's name but only hearing the sounds of gun shots. 'Damn Edgar Ross, I will see him die for this,' was his last thought before everything faded to black._

John awoke, his body drenched in sweat and heart racing. It took him a moment to remember his surroundings. It always did when he awoke from that particular dream. A dream he had had every night for six months following the last time he saw his wife and son's faces. Truth be told, it was more like a memory masquerading as a dream. Every detail was as it happened. Every emotion was felt just as acutely. Every thought just the same. Previous to tonight it had been around four months since he last had it. And though he may not be the smartest man, he knew why he had had it tonight.

He always said he wasn't good with guilt. Looking to the body pressed up against him he began to feel guilty for feeling guilty. She was the last person in this world he would want to burden with his fragile mind. Yet here he was sharing her bed for the first time or he guessed she was sharing his, in the shed with which the MacFarlane's had provided him. They figured Mr. MacFarlane wouldn't appreciate them being together under his roof...or perhaps at all.

As she lay beside him her face partially covered with her long blonde hair no longer tied back, John felt a knot form in his stomach. She looked so young. So innocent. As if she hadn't seen the worst of what the world had to offer. He was reminded that some of her more harrowing experiences were because of him. She nearly died when Bill Williamson's gang kidnapped her and attempted to hang her. 'Bonnie MacFarlane,' he quietly sighed wondering why such a woman would not only choose save a man like him's life once but twice.

From what she had told him, after he had been shot and fell unconscious Jack had brought him here and asked if she could make him better. Assuring him that she would do all she could for John, Jack departed, asking only that she tell John not to look for him. Of course he did anyway. Six months he spent looking for his son, trading on his good name and calling in favors. He had some leads but none of them developed into anything. His son had been able to disappear without a trace, a skill he certainly hadn't learned from his father. Why he wanted to, John didn't know. What he did know was that his son meant everything to him and that he wouldn't rest until he found him.

John had returned to MacFarlane's Ranch for what he originally intended to be a few days, to check in with Miss MacFarlane. She had made him promise her he would return at some point and after six months of traveling alone he felt like he needed to see a friendly face. Miss MacFarlane had hugged him tightly upon his arrival and filled him in on what had been happening while he was gone. Things hadn't been going well in his absence. Most of their crops had failed and rustlers were attacking the ranch nearly every other night. Amos, among others had been shot and killed when trying to prevent one such attack and they didn't have enough money to hire replacements. Without them the coyotes were able to get to the chickens, and the rabbits at any remaining crops. They barely had enough to survive. John couldn't leave them in that way. He owed them his life, but more than that, he cared about the MacFarlanes and he would do everything he could to make their lives better.

And so John took care of the rustlers, bandits and anybody else who dared try cause problems on the ranch. It wasn't long before the word was out not to attack the MacFarlane Ranch if you hoped to live a long life. He also went to work at breaking in wild horses- the ones that would fetch a good price and at preventing the coyotes from attacking the coop. He and Bonnie spent a lot of time together, always verbally sparring, she usually winning. Life became routine; a way of living John could have enjoyed if he knew his son was alright but it always preoccupied his mind. So much so he couldn't see what was happening right in front of him till a few weeks ago when Bonnie practically exploded with frustration at his ignorance.

John had been laying in bed close to sleep when he had heard a soft knock on his door and Bonnie calling his name through the door. Assuming there was trouble he quickly jumped out of bed and grabbed his revolver. He opened the door to a smiling Bonnie.

'What is it Miss MacFarlane? Is something wrong?'

'No, I just thought maybe we could go for a ride somewhere.'

'Miss MacFarlane, it's the middle of the night.'

'I know but I couldn't sleep and thought it's such a nice night, it would be a mighty shame to waste it alone in a bed just lying there.'

'If you say so.'

'I do. Are you coming?'

'Are you feeling alright, Miss MacFarlane.' was all John could respond to the odd request.

'Yes, I'm fine. Now are you coming or not?'

'Alright, I guess I will.'

The adrenaline was already flowing through his body so there was no way he was going to get to sleep now. Anyway, he would never let a lady go riding by herself in the middle of the night.

They set off in the direction of Armadillo but where their destination was, John didn't know.

'Where are we goin'? John asked after they'd left the road a while back and traveled over grass instead.

'Does it really matter?'

'I guess not.'

'We'll stop over here by this tree.'

They dismounted their horses and sat down, their backs against a large tree, a glittery black sky providing the backdrop. With a slight breeze causing the the leaves on the tree to gently rustle, John had to admit it was peaceful out here. A far cry from his usual surroundings.

'I'm glad you're here John. I feel safer with you around. Not just right now but all the time.' Bonnie said breaking the silence the two had been keeping.

'Well with your feminine intuition and my trigger itch, we make quite a team' John responded, glad that it elicited a laugh from Miss MacFarlane.

'I'm surprised you remember me saying that. Feels like that conversation was from a different life. So much has changed. I've changed.'

'That's how life is. Things change so quickly, you always have to be prepared to become a different version of yourself and adapt to a new way of living just to survive. And I think you're doing a fine job of it, Miss MacFarlane'

Even in only the moon light, John could see her blush as she lowered her head smiling, causing a little flutter in his stomach that caught him by surprise. Was it something he ate?

Miss MacFarlane looked back up to him with irritation evident in her eyes despite her smile.

'How many times have I told you to call me Bonnie? Why won't you?'

'Force of habit, I guess. I'll try harder to call you Bonnie, if it means that much to you.'

'Yes it does mean that much to me. John...' Bonnie stopped mid-sentence throwing her hand up in the air and shaking her head before continuing. 'You really have no idea do you?'

'Miss- I mean Bonnie, I'm not a very smart man. You're going to have to elaborate if you want me to know what you're referring to.

'Fine you want to know? Then let me show you.' And with that Bonnie grabbed his head and kissed him hard on the lips, holding her lips to his for what felt like an eternity. When she let go and pulled back her eyes were wide with fear. John didn't know what his expression was saying but it mustn't have been very reassuring as Bonnie jumped up and ran off, her hand covering her mouth as she attempted to silence her crying.

John instinctively got up and ran after her catching her just as she was about to mount her horse.

'Bonnie, wait.' he said grabbing her by the arm and turning her to face him. He put both his hands on her shoulder in an effort to calm her down and maybe more so to steady himself. 'It's okay,' was all he could think of saying.

'But you don't feel the same. I saw it in your eyes.'

'What you saw in my eyes was confusion. Honestly? I don't know what I feel. You kiss me then you run away from me. And now I'm standing here in the wilderness in the middle of the night just trying to comprehend what's just happened.'

'I'm sorry, I know it's a lot to take in. I just...oh.' Bonnie covered her eyes with her hands and buried her face in John's chest. John removed his hands from her shoulders and wrapped them around her for a moment before placing his hands on her cheeks and gently pulling her head back, tilting it up towards him.

'Bonnie, I do care about you. That much I know. And if you want, we can see if something more grows out of that.'

Bonnie nodded her head wiping away the tears from her eyes and said, 'Yeah, I'd like that.' A rare moment of vulnerability from Bonnie, John noted.

Over the following weeks things did grow between them. They exchanged small almost shy smiles while working on the ranch. They would go for more night time rides, while their verbal contests became more flirtatious in their nature. And the next time they kissed it was John who initiated it. All of it felt natural and it made him feel something he guessed was akin to happiness.

Not like right now. Now, he felt utterly displaced. Like he didn't belong here. Like he never could.

Bonnie shifted her hand from where it was resting on John's stomach up to his chest. He hadn't noticed her hand on his body before this but now it felt like it was burning through his skin. He had to get out of this bed right now. He had to get out of this whole place and clear his head. Gently wrapping his hand around hers, he removed it from his body and placed it beside her. He then carefully slipped out of the bed and padded over to his weapons chest at the base of the bed.

'John?' he heard the sleepy voice of Bonnie coming from the bed as he picked up a revolver. He turned to look and there she was sitting up in the bed, her upper body exposed as the bed sheet lay crumpled at her waist. John averted his eyes, not quite sure why. Only hours earlier he had held and kissed every inch of her body and reveled in hearing her quiet moans of pleasure.

'Sorry Miss MacFarlane, I didn't mean to wake you,' was all he could manage to say.

Bonnie's eyes widened. 'Miss MacFarlane?' she asked incredulously, pulling the sheet up under her arms.

'Sorry, I mean Bon-... I'm sorry' John stuttered not quite sure what exactly he was apologizing for. He could see Bonnie was questioning the same thing too.

'If you didn't want to...' Bonnie just shook her head unable to finish the sentence.

'No!' John shouted then continued quietly 'That's not it. I just..' He ran his hand through his hair frustrated that he was unable to arrange his thoughts in any way that would make it possible for him to express what he was feeling.

'I should go,' he mumbled limply as he grabbed his hat and headed for the door.

'Mr. Marston,' Bonnie said snidely, 'I don't know how you city folk normally act but 'round here we put on our clothes before we step outside our bedrooms.'

John could feel his cheeks flush as he glanced down at himself. He hadn't realized he was completely naked the whole time he was talking to Bonnie. He quickly gathered his jeans off the floor, put a shirt on and pulled his boots on before he fled...like the coward he was.


End file.
